From One 'Fit Mom' to Another

Recently, fitness enthusiast and mom Maria Kang made headlines for a photo of herself in a sports bra and exercise shorts that she posted to her business Facebook page. Also in the photo: Her three young sons, ages 3, 2, and 8 months, along with her washboard abs and very toned physique. Oh, and she added the words "What's Your Excuse?" to the top of the photo. Let's just say the reaction to her somewhat loaded question wasn't 100 percent positive because, while Kang certainly should be commended for the work she's done to stay fit (and finding the time to do it), the headline "What's Your Excuse" has been seen as mocking. Kang has been accused of everything from fat-shaming to, bizaarly, being a bad mom. Us? We like to find the humor in situations like these.

Dear Mom of Three Little Kids Who Looks Really Really Perfect in a Bikini or Whatever That Little Thing is That You're Wearing,

First of all, let me be the first to welcome you to our planet! I apologize that so many human women have been less than welcoming upon your arrival to Earth when you posted this picture on your business Facebook page. Once you spend a little more time here, you will find that our bodies respond in a slightly different manner than yours to pregnancy.

For instance, after having three kids myself I can paint my toenails by affixing a tiny brush to my belly button. It's somewhat hard to find among all of the loose skin, stretchmarks and pendulum-like nipples, but I assure you it's there!

Second, we could totally be twins. Not so much in the face or hair or body or how we look or anything, but I also bore my three children in 2009, 2010 and 2011. And let me tell you, if I looked even half as good as you do in that hot little number after having my big 'ole mess of kids I would be prancing all around the town in it too. Shoot, I'd wear it every day. To the grocery store, kids' soccer games, class reunions, funerals... also my husband would probably be in traction.

No, we don't really look that much alike because I don't “exercise” so much as I have “cheesecake eating contests with myself over the sink.” Sure – I go to the gym three or four times a week. But I usually just put my kids in the tot care and hide in the bathroom stall while I play Words With Friends and stare at the wall for an hour. And the fact that I'm not the only one in there doing that gives me a good idea of why you've gotten so much negative feedback from your picture.

But trust me. Even if most of us were to eat flax seed sprinkled with cayenne pepper as we squeezed our Thigh Masters twenty five hours a day we could never even come close to your bodily perfection.

For me anyway, nature has blessed me with a figure conducive to things like hauling hay, or driving an 18-wheeler.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you look super fly. Keep wearing that swimsuit workout thingie every day. Unless you live in a cold climate. Then just in the summer. But if anything changes and you feel the urge to come to the dark side and enter yourself into a cheesecake eating contest, my door is always open.

Sincerely,
Hannah “Snowsuit At The Pool” Mayer

P.S. I think I speak for the majority of women when I say that I sort of hope you are slightly misshapen under your bikini top. Sorry. We're only human.

^{Photos: Main: iStock. Inside photo: Facebook/Maria Kang}