Parenting Teens: Ask the Expert

How Boys and Girls Bully Differently; When Teen Gambling Becomes an Addiction

By Russell Hyken, Ed.S., LPC, Columnist for St. Louis Kids Magazine
Q: Some of my daughter's friends seem to be teasing her a little more than they should. She seems hurt by this but tells me there is nothing wrong. Could she be hiding her feelings?


A: Girls can be just as aggressive as boys. In fact, some might consider female hostility more dramatic and damaging than boy bullying.
Girls antagonize in a covert, complex and long-term manner; boys, on the other hand, are overt, obnoxious and instantaneous. Girls employ socially manipulative tactics, often causing good friends to be instant enemies.
Relational aggression is a growing area of concern for today's teen and the typical type of hurtful behavior most frequently used in female circles.

Bully girls use exclusionary tactics to inflict hurt on others by crowding an unwanted victim out of a lunch table spot, encouraging friends to give a cold shoulder and spreading inappropriate rumors. The results are internal scars that may take years to heal, and, unfortunately, most girls fall victim to this behavior at some point during the high school years.

Pay attention to how your daughter acts to determine if she is a target of a "really" mean girl. Look for dropping grades and listen to the language she uses to describe her day.

Do your teen's comments indicate that she wants to switch schools and escape her world? Is she acting overly tough to mask a source of unknown pain? Is she fearful that her relational problems will never end? These are signs of a distressed daughter facing intense inner turmoil.

Because girls tend to be overly critical of themselves, they need the support of their families and friends to develop defenses against daily dramas. Empathize with your daughter's distress and discuss relation- building strategies.

Teach your daughter to compliment the accomplishments of her peers. It is a sign of confidence that others will respond to with a positive attitude.

Discuss how joining with others can help your teen reach her goals and build positive relationships based on success. Group studying, for example, is more rewarding than lonely, late-night learning.

Emphasize the importance of open and honest communication. Confronting a situation with respect and working toward problem resolution will deescalate issues in a mature manner.

Most importantly, encourage your daughter to engage in a variety of activities. Students that have multiple friends tend to cope better with drama because they have more social supports.

It may be difficult to determine if you daughter is a victim of relational aggression. A boy comes home with a black eye, but a young woman's inner scars may be unnoticeable.

Staying connected with regular family time and frequent conversation is the best way to encourage open communication about this or any problem.

Q: My son seems to be spending a lot of time playing poker with his friends. He also reads about it on the Internet and watches it on TV. Could he have a gambling problem?

A: Most kids are exposed to gambling long before they reach the adolescent years. They bet their friends they can run faster, make a basket or choose the winning team.

They play chance games at fast food restaurants with lucky scratch-off cards or look under the cap of carbonated beverages to win a prize. In fact, I will bet that you have made an innocent wager with your child and didn't even realize it.

Today's generation is the first to grow up with legalized gaming. In one form or another, gambling has been legitimized in every state. Be it a casino, lottery or sports book, games of chance have become part of popular culture.

Further extending the reach of this highly profitable industry is the Internet, which offers anyone the opportunity to "make a bet" with virtually no regulations regarding age and ability. 

What distinguishes social gambling from problem betting has more to do with the individual than rolling the dice. In fact, most kids like to make the occasional bet and find wagering to be a fun but forgettable experience.

Unfortunately, approximately 11 percent of teens admit to gambling regularly, and one in 50 teens has a true addiction.

The best way to prevent gaming addiction is to pay attention and covertly converse with your kids about fiscal awareness. Explain how the family budget works. Let your teens know there are things you want but can't afford. 

And emphasize the importance of relationships over material matters. Acknowledge the occasional small wager is acceptable, but explain how obsession over the next win and anxiety over a current loss are the signs of an emerging problem.

Lastly, what makes gaming addictions so scary is that problem gamblers can initially hide their betting behaviors. There are no needle marks, blood-shot eyes or slurred speech.

Furthermore, many gamers, on the outside, are strong students who are highly motivated to be successful. On the inside, however, these kids can't manage their impulsivity and often suffer from low self-esteem.

When they lose, they lose control. Grades slip, household money goes missing and relationships weaken. Many turn to additional addictions to mask their pain and frustration.

Send questions for this column regarding teen issues to Hyken at
[email protected]. Anonymity will be granted.

 

Russell Hyken, Ed.S., MA, LPC, NCC, CEP, is a licensed professional counselor, an educational diagnostician and a regular columnist for St. Louis Kids Magazine. With more than 15 years of experience as a high school English teacher, school counselor and school administrator, Hyken is now in private practice. His practice, Educational and Psychotherapy Services, specializes in educational/ADHD evaluations, individual and family therapy, and local and national educational options for learning disabled students and troubled teens. He can be reached at 314-691-7640 or through his web site

Share This Story
Our Daily Things to Do email is the easiest way to plan your day.
Follow Us
   
Want daily ideas of things to do? How about special offers & giveaways? Sign up and we’ll handle the rest.
Things to Do

Garden Glow at the Missouri Botanical Garden

More than a million lights will illuminate some of the Missouri Botanical Garden's most iconic locations, walkways will be transformed into sensory light tunnels providing an explosion of visual magic, and traditional candlelight village displays, festive drinks, s'mores and great photo opportunities will delight crowds of all ages.

 

 

View this event »
Family Night With Fredbird
Wednesday, December 6, 2023
Wednesday, December 13, 2023
Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Bring your family to Cardinals Nation Restaurant on select Wednesday nights for Family Night with Fredbird! Meet Fredbird from 6:30-7:30 p.m., play games and win prizes! Kids 12 and under eat free per adult meal purchased.

View this event »
You Might Also Like...

From Our Sponsors
Popular Stories

15 Festive and Fun Holiday Events for Your Family This Holiday Season

Your family's holiday season won't be complete without these St. Louis holiday experiences.

Continue reading »
St. Louis Symphony Orchestra Sets the Stage for Family-Friendly Shows All Season Long

This season, the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra (SLSO) will once again hit the stage for its popular Family Concert series. Featuring three captivating performances, the series ensures orchestral concerts are accessible for families and thrilling for their kiddos, whether they’re regular concert-goers or experiencing the magic of SLSO for the first time. Add to the series SLSO family movie nights and digital concerts, and it’s an action-packed season for every music lover.

Continue reading »
Life Lessons Learned at Overnight Camp

With the perfect blend of adventure and responsibility, camp life teaches kids valuable lessons they can use for the rest of their lives. If you send your child to overnight camp, here are some life lessons they are likely to learn.

Continue reading »
5 Easy Ways to Start the School Year Without Losing Your Mind

As much as I love finding fun ideas on Pinterest for magical first-day photos and perfectly curated bento box lunches complete with animal face mini sandwiches, it doesn’t help me stay sane. Instead, it makes the pressure build that I am responsible for making the new school year absolutely amazing.

Continue reading »
6 Places to Find Fun on the Farm this Fall

Visiting a farm can be a real adventure for city and suburban kids. Getting up close to and even feeding farm animals can lead to lots of fun and unexpected learning. We've rounded up some tried and true nearby options where your family can spend a day in the country and meet some new barnyard friends.

Continue reading »
Follow Us