Taking the Drama Out of Daycare Drop-Off

Every morning, my 3-year-old and I live our own personal Lifetime mini-series. It’s called The One She Left Behind, and it’s particularly heart wrenching – like a box of Kleenex and pint of Cherry Garcia heart wrenching – and in my head, I’m played in melodramatic glory by Candace Cameron Bure.

KT has been in daycare since she was six weeks old, but often goes all theatrical at the morning drop-off. Sometimes it’s subtle – a tear-soaked, clinging hug – other times, she launches into Anne Hathaway over-the-top hysterics while chasing me out the door. The only things missing from the scene are a movie cliché rainstorm and a soundtrack from Coldplay.

Either way, I leave with a heavy heart and a sense of guilt that stick around the rest of the day. And I know it’s a feeling many parents share – whether they’re dropping off their child at daycare or at a half-hour tumbling class. We sit in our office, positive we’re scarring our children for life, but in reality, these moments of separation usually affect us as parents more than it affects our kids.

“It’s normal for a child to not want a parent to leave,” said child development expert and parenting coach Pam Dyson, via email. “In most situations the distress a child feels can be overcome by distracting them. If, after the parent leaves, the child is fine, it’s probably not true separation anxiety. It can be part of a child’s temperament. Some children are more cautious and slow to warm up even in settings that are familiar to them. Being patient and understanding can go a long way.”

Comfort for our kids and ourselves

In some cases – and ones I’m guilty of – parents can exacerbate the situation.

We stick around for a long, drawn-out farewell because we think it will help, which becomes extremely awkward for everyone when we’re still around at naptime, trying to cram our mom hips onto a toddler-sized cot. Or, we race out the door as soon as their backs are turned to avoid the uncomfortable goodbye, a skill gleaned from those mornings following college party hook-ups years ago.

Said Laura Schaub, center director of KinderCare Learning Center in Edwardsville, “Parenting is hard, and it is easy to make mistakes when dropping a child off at preschool. Some of the most common mistakes are sneaking out which causes children not to trust their parent. Explaining to your child that you have to leave and when you will return will help your child gain trust in their new situation. Your child may continue to cry, but remain calm and follow this same routine each day.”

“Showing anxiety yourself can make the child anxious,” she continued. “Stating that you are late or in a rush, or showing signs of your own guilt or frustration will only make your child more anxious.”

Instead, both Dyson and Schaub agree that familiar, simple goodbye rituals are critical for a child’s comfort.

Dyson suggested a special wave, hug or kiss in the palm of your child’s hand which he or she can touch to his or her cheek when they miss you. “This idea is from the book, The Kissing Hand,” she remarked. “It’s an excellent story to read with a child who is apprehensive about separating from a parent.”

In our family, we started reading Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney, which follows a young llama’s first day of preschool, every Sunday night before that stressful Monday morning drop-off. While we still struggle in the morning, the book has helped validate KT’s feelings and shows her that until mama returns in the evening, her day can be filled with good times with her friends.

In addition, Schaub noted it’s vital to keep the dialogue open with your child not only before, but after preschool or daycare as well. “Each night, review any projects or communication received from school with your child. Ask open-ended questions about their projects or any teachers’ notes from the day. Focus on the positive aspects of your child’s day versus the hardships. Let your child know that you understand their feelings and continue to talk about the fun activities he or she did at school. Discuss any activities that your child will be doing the next day at school.”

Just as important, she said, is to regularly communicate with your child’s teacher – ask questions about your child’s day and develop a plan together to address any concerns to make both you and your child feel comfortable.

And if you see the anxiety worsen, especially as your child grows older, bigger steps may need to be taken to protect his or her mental health.

Said Dyson, “If separation anxiety is interfering with an elementary aged child’s normal activities (school, friends, etc.), it may be an indicator of a bigger problem. If separation anxiety appears out of the blue in an older child, there might be another problem such as bullying or abuse. Consult a mental health professional to pinpoint the problem and suggest strategies to manage the anxiety.”

For parents whose children have separation anxiety, it’s an ongoing series that can be difficult to watch. But with open communication, established rituals and heartfelt goodbyes, we can help create happy endings for all the characters involved.