Mom's Happy Hour: Some Kids Aren't Always Smarties

Welcome to Mom's Happy Hour, in which we sort through the latest news about parents, parenting and pop culture so you don't have to.

Kids aren't always Smarties

Kids do stupid things. Like the time I walked in to find a stack of pillows at the bottom of our staircase and a four-year-old ready to jump from the top.

Or the time when my brother was 16 and tried to leap a plastic construction fence to show off and got his foot caught and broke his arm.

Now kids are snorting Smarties in order to blow the candy dust out their noses or mouths like cigarette smoke. There’s no known high or benefit, just a group of middle schoolers who think the practice will get them the ladies and the respect of their schoolmates who are too scared to ingest the most inedible candy in the world.

There are a couple of huge issues with this. One, it’s mimicking the drug problem we have in this country. Two, the candy is leaving sugary remnants lodged in the nose, increasing the risk for nasal maggots. If we didn’t think our kids could get any grosser, they go and become infested.

I won’t lie – one time when I was in middle school, my friend and I tried to smoke grass. Like, literally grass from my backyard because I was neither Cheech nor Chong. Yes, totally stupid but at least I wasn’t running a fly nursery in my nasal cavity.

Now we’re living (living) separate lives…

Sometimes when I’m lying in bed, I fantasize about the separate beds in Lucy and Ricky’s bedroom and think, “God, that is so flipping hot.” Then my husband literally shoves me out of my fantasy because I’ve been muttering in my sleep.

On CNN.com on Tuesday, a newlywed shared how having separate bedrooms saved her marriage and actually made the couple’s love life stronger. The majority of commenters backed up her philosophy and shared their own separate bed stories, including the woman who has two (2!) queen beds in her bedroom.

According to Ryerson University, 30 to 40 percent of couples sleep separately. That doesn’t mean there are problems in their marriage – people are leading crazy busy lives and need their sleep to be happy and relaxed.

I would say my husband or I sleep on the couch or in the kids’ beds at least three nights a week. We don’t love each other any less, but one of is always snoring or rolling around because of our bad backs. Sometimes he comes to bed late when the Blues are playing on the West Coast; sometimes I have nightmares about Mexican drug cartels gluing my head to a reptile because I’ve been watching Breaking Bad.

The only suggestion I have is to be open about why you’re sleeping on the couch. One time, our daughter’s daycare teacher pulled me aside to ask if everything was ok in the family, because “MJ told me you’ve been sleeping on the couch.” Nope - I love my husband, but some nights I love Breaking Bad more.

Rappers represented by young artists

The funniest post I read all week was penned by Shea Serrano of LA Weekly. As a dad and author who is working from home on a book, he is regularly interrupted by his six-year-old twins. To give them something to do to “help” and stay out of his hair, he asked them to draw pictures of his favorite rap stars as an assignment. The results – and the descriptions – are downright hysterical. Apparently, Notorious B.I.G. is an egg and Public Enemy is a basketball team.

Serrano’s assignment gives me inspiration on how to handle my daughter who regularly cartwheels through my office and the four-year-old who asks me to explain the principle of tuna fish when I’m meeting a deadline at 5 a.m.

Check out his critique of Pitbull’s “Timber” video as well. Mr. P, I think I found our new brother husband.

Serving up better eating

This week, the U.S. Department of Agriculture recommended that parents serve all their meals “family-style”, allowing children as young as 2 to serve themselves.

Daycares and preschools have long gone the family-style route, but we rarely do it at home. We’re worried about our toddler dropping a carton of milk or bowl of food on the floor, which he or she will inevitably do. However, researchers from the University of Illinois found a little leeway is worth the risk. Kids are more open to choosing different, healthy foods and are less likely to overeat when they scoop out their own meal.

When we plate our kids’ meals, we overestimate how much they need to eat. When they serve themselves, they more often take just what they can consume.

The trick is – they need to “serve” what you put on the table. Otherwise, they’re going to serve themselves up a balanced meal of gummy bears, Pop-Tarts and maple syrup.

The meal at this reunion is just the worst

My children love Full House reruns, which lets me relive all those Friday nights I was stuck on the couch by myself because no boy invited me to make out at Encino Man. There’s nothing like a vest-and-bike-short ensemble, VO5-smoothed mullets, and Janet Jackson posters to make me nostalgic.

This week, Oikos Greek yogurt revealed a trailer for its upcoming Super Bowl commercial. In it, the Greek god that is John Stamos, sans VO5-smoothed mullet of course, enjoys a dish of Oikos while watching football. Because nothing says football like probiotics.

At the end of the game, Uncle Jesse turns to Joey Gladstone and Danny Tanner, wondering if it’s time they get their own place. It’s like Oikos represents everything Full House is to adults who are stuck watching it every day with our children – it leaves a bad taste in our mouths and makes us hightail it to the bathroom, but its nutritional value is good for kids.

_{^{Photos: Shea Serrano via LA Weekly, iStock, cnn.com}}