10 Ways St. Louis Moms are the Coolest

At first glance, there are some simple ways to identify a St. Louis mom – the bedazzled Cardinals shirt, the Bud Light Lime-A-Rita in hand, the Joy FM sticker in the back window of her Town & Country (or for those in the city, a KDHX sticker on her Subaru Outback).

But there is much more beyond the outer layer that makes us St. Louis moms stand out among our national counterparts – we have an attitude, an edge that clearly defines each one of us as the coolest chick in the carpool lane.

For proof, I give you the following:

1. We are chill at the playground. As other moms become the pilots of parental helicopters at the park, we leisurely read over the latest critically-acclaimed novel while our kids race face-first down the slide.

“Excuse me,” says pilot mom, rushing over breathlessly, “But your son is hanging off the jungle gym by his big toe.”

We simply glance up and shrug. “I’ve lost that kid in the tunnels at City Museum - twice. This is amateur hour anxiety, sweetie.”

2. We refuse to be ripped off. We’ve all been there – standing in line to get into the Los Angeles or Houston Zoo when we notice the ticket sign looming up ahead. That’s the moment our head explodes in slow motion.

“$20 to get in a zoo? Oh, hell no!”

We quickly morph into a mom tornado – a whirlwind of strollers, diaper bags and sippy cups tearing through the rest of confused zoo-goers in line as we dash back to the parking lot.

“We’re being played!” we scream over our shoulders. “Played, I say! Leave this zoo and follow me home – to the free family getaway promised land of St. Louis!”

To be repeated at art museums and science centers in every city we visit.

3. Our kids are geniuses. While other toddlers can barely squeak out mama and dada, our little ones are yelling Chalupny, Heyward, and unfortunately way too often, Goddmanit, Fisher! When they sneak onto our iPhones, we allow it since the next Jack Dorsey is in our midst, and when they first spell cat, we know they’re only letters away from being the next Gokul Venkatachalam.

4. We display the mark of the Midwest soccer mom. Every autumn, our faces are scorched with second-degree sunburns as we spend that first week of October in the blazing heat of an all-day soccer tournament, only to lose our fingers to frostbite on that same field the next Saturday. Yet, we soldier on, raising our Starbucks to our blistered lips with our seven remaining digits week after week as we cheer our six-year-olds on to soccer stardom.

5. Jon Hamm and Scott Foley are at the top of our laminated lists. We’re smart enough to play the odds and go local. We’re much more likely to run into our hometown’s own Don Draper and Jake Ballard at Incredible Pizza Company than say, out-of-towners Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum. That’s just science.

6. Citygarden is our happy place. A free spot where our kids can cool off on a hot day, and we don’t have to get our hair wet? Food trucks featuring a lineup of tacos and cupcakes just steps away? Stunning sculptures and gorgeous foliage surrounding us in beauty? Yes, please! Just add in a bottle of red, and ok, a bottle of white, and we don’t need to move the rest of the summer.

7. Our recollections of pre-mom days start in one of two ways. 1) Remember that time I fell off the bar at Have a Nice Day Café? 2) Remember that time in the Mississippi Nights bathroom?

No? Just me?

8. Our superhero name is Polar Bare. Starting November 1, we’ll sit in our offices shivering under three sweaters and mainlining coffee as we scream at our coworkers to turn up the thermostat and we banish Mother Nature to hell. But the moment Thanksgiving hits and the holiday lights turn on, we transform into penguins in North Face, dragging our kids to endless outdoor holiday parades, festivals and light displays, because Christmas. Never mind that it’s minus 20 outside and raining.

“Whew, it’s muggy out here,” we say when the temperature finally hits 30 degrees, and we begin stripping down to two sweaters and just one pair of leggings, much to the thrill of our husband, whose only view of our naked skin over the past three weeks has been our head poking out of our turtleneck.

Cue January 1, and we’re back in hibernation for the winter, refusing to even go out to Aldi’s. “We have flour and Ski for dinner. Get creative, kids – I’m not moving from this fireplace until March.”

9. We have great taste. A St. Louis mom knows every formal event requires mostaccioli, and every potluck demands gooey butter cake. We’re just as comfortable downing Schlafly with the guys as we are sipping a smooth Old Fashioned at Planter’s House or Small Batch.  We’re either on Team Pappy’s or Team Sugarfire, but if our college roommate asks us what exactly a St. Louis-style rib is, we have to Google it.

10. We love our city. As much we may complain about the crime or the traffic, if anyone on the outside says something negative about our fair city, we become full-on mama bear, roaring out its advantages, from its cultural destinations to its exciting music scene.

We’re also dedicated to making it the best place for our kids to grow up, whether that’s donating time or money. In fact, St. Louis is the most generous city in the U.S. and ranks 12^th nationally in the number of volunteer hours. That’s a whole lot of people whose mamas raised them right.

So, the next time you’re at a playdate, PTA meeting or school function, bask in the glory of your fellow St. Louis moms. You’re in some great company!