Barbie, You Were So Close

Welcome to Mom's Happy Hour, in which we sort through the latest news about parents, parenting and pop culture so you don't have to.

Dang, Barbie – you were so close

This week, Mattel introduced the world to Entrepreneur Barbie as part of its I Can Be Career series. Clad in a kicky pink shift dress and accessorized with a fabulous handbag, Barbie empowers girls to follow their dreams and start their own businesses (though most entrepreneurs I know put in 20-hour days and rarely get out of their sweats, let alone into a designer dress).

But it’s one step forward, a giant leap back. At the same time, Barbie graced a wrap cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. I’m pretty laid back about things like this, but I won’t deny I felt a little icky for two reasons.

One, as Denise Restauri writes in Forbes, swapping the idealized, nearly unattainable version of perfection in a real-life woman for a literal doll feels as if this PR stunt is objectifying women even more. If Kate Upton wasn’t enough to make you feel like crap about yourself, get a load of these massive boobs and tiny waist.

And two, it’s a magazine geared to men. Men + dolls is just downright creepy. I can’t even talk about American Horror Story: Coven without getting goosebumps over Spalding and his attic full of baby dolls. I like to think that Barbie is virginal, mostly since Ken lacks the anatomy necessary to complete the act, but now all I can picture is a magazine featuring my four-year-old’s favorite toy wedged under some frat boy’s mattress.

Jerry Seinfeld’s depiction of parenthood is real, and it’s spectacular

Moms across America gave a cheer on Monday when The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon premiered. Moms love Jimmy Fallon almost as much as they love Thirty-One bags and Moscato, but it’s hard to stay up until 11:30. Let’s face it - I can barely make it to the 10 p.m. news.

The first week didn’t disappointed. The Evolution of Hip-Hop Dancing with Will Smith was fantastic, and Kristen Wiig’s entire interview as Harry Styles is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time (Carnitas!).

But it was Jerry Seinfeld’s critique of parenting that topped it all. He verbalized in a few seconds what I could never explain in a million years.

Just a snippet: “The bedtime routine for my kids is like this Royal Coronation Jubilee Centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi-circle of emotional support.”

Perfection.

Because every teen wants to look like a woman who’s birthed three kids

There are fashion icons that inspire generations of women. Audrey Hepburn, Madonna, your mom in 1989.

Yes, mom jeans are making a comeback, and designers are embracing the slang by which the high-waisted, tapered and light-washed dungarees have become known by. Urban Outfitters, for instance, is just one store offering The Mom Jean to young shoppers. Thankfully, the styles are much edgier and more sophisticated than what lured moms to JC Penney’s 20 years ago.

I’ve seen plenty of college students scour thrift stores to outfit their own little Gloria Vanderbilt-clad hipster army, flattening their perfect, round 20-year-old butts with enough denim that could make 10 Texas tuxedos for Justin Timberlake circa 2001. I applaud spending $8 to jump on a trend, but seeing someone spend any more on mom jeans is depressing to a mother who’s investing her life savings in Spanx to keep her butt from slapping against the back of her knees.

What happens when Grand Theft Auto raises your kids

Most parents try to limit their children’s exposure to TV and video games. But there comes a time every now and then, when they’re bouncing off the walls and you have an unread issue of Entertainment Weekly with Daryl Dixon on the cover that’s been seducing you since July that you finally just throw the iPad at them and hide out in the closet.

It’s ok to let your TV babysit every now and then, but when your child starts referring to you as Super Why, you have a problem. In Great Britain, for instance, a mother was accused of neglect and lost custody of her two sons, ages 11 and 14, by allowing them to play video games for hours a day, refusing to schedule bedtimes and letting them ditch their homework. Which raises the question – when does hands-off parenting go beyond laissez faire and disintegrate into neglect?

Don’t cross a mom with a credit card

When a PacSun store in Orem, Utah refused to remove t-shirts featuring scantily clad models from its window display, one mom bought them all for $567 to prevent the cotton from emotionally scarring a mall full of impressionable children. Currently, the t-shirts sit in her home as she waits to return them on Day 59 of Pac-Sun’s 60-day return policy. Her protest has helped unite moms against stores who use sex to sell to tweens and teens.

If only I had enough on my credit card to buy out that mall kiosk that sells the FBI (Federal Boob Inspector) t-shirts. I’m not offended. I just don’t think the world needs one more 44-year-old douche at Mardi Gras sporting a boob inspector shirt.