Mom Escapes Abuse to Create a New Life for Her Son

On May 25, 2005, Torri Brown sat on the crumbling steps of an abandoned building off Page Avenue. Surrounded by strangers, her face shattered and her pockets empty, Torri sat in fear. Fear that her abuser would come back. Fear that he wouldn’t.

On May 25, 2005, Torri Brown decided she had enough. She would never let the father of her child hit her again.

The statistics are shocking but true – one in three women in the United States will be a victim of domestic violence at some point in her lifetime. However, organizations like Lydia’s House in St. Louis, which provides transitional housing and support services to abused women and their children, offer a beacon of hope in the darkest of situations. According to Ellen Reed, executive director of the organization, Lydia’s House has served 42 women and 81 children so far in 2010.

For Brown, Lydia’s House was her escape from a world of abuse and the start of a new life.

As a young 20-something, Torri had found who she believed to be the love of her life. However, when their son arrived, the relationship took a dark turn, escalating from an occasional argument into physical violence. “Our relationship seemed to be perfect until Torrey was born,” remarked Brown. “He became jealous of the baby. He accused me of not treating him the same way and made me feel like I was doing something wrong.”

For a year, Brown endured her tormenter’s emotional and physical abuse in silence until one warm spring evening when the violence culminated in a public, and final, beating. Brown ended up with an orbital facial fracture and chunks of her hair pulled out. Her abuser didn’t stop there – he attempted to run her over with his car as she bent down to pick up her glasses.

After her hospital stay, Brown fled with 1-year-old Torrey to her mother’s home. Even after everything her abuser had put her through, Brown still stayed in contact with him. “I knew I was in a bad place. Although I was safe, I still struggled with not being around him – I had built my life around him. I didn’t know what it was like to function without him. I had given him so much control, I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself.”

After seeing her daughter continue to associate with her abuser and out of fear for her family’s safety, Brown’s mother insisted she needed to find a secure place to live. For three months, Brown and her son found temporary shelter at The Women’s Safe House until a long-term residence opportunity opened up at Lydia’s House.

“Lydia’s House gave me a place to stay so that I could start healing," Brown said. "At Lydia’s House, I finally realized I am a person. I am lovable, I deserve to be loved, and my son deserves to be loved.”

In addition to providing Brown with a temporary apartment at its facilities, Lydia’s House helped her build her self-esteem through counseling sessions and support and spiritual groups. The organization’s staff also provided basic economic stability classes to get her on her feet, connected her to resources like Redevelopment Opportunities for Women which helped her save money for her first car and her first apartment, and even threw birthday parties for Torrey and other Lydia’s House children.

During her two and a half years at Lydia’s House, Brown gained the confidence she needed to provide for her son both emotionally and financially and was able to secure employment at Famous Barr and Grace Hill. Finally, after years of suffering from the emotional wounds of abuse, this proud survivor could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

“I remember riding the bus with Torrey in the wintertime. We were waiting outside for 45 minutes on the coldest day of the year. It brought me to tears to see him so cold at the bus stop. I told him, ‘This is our last winter on the bus. This is our last winter on the bus.’ Once I said it, I knew I had to stick with it. I worked as hard as I could to do what was best for him and what was best for me.”

With the support of the Lydia’s House staff, Brown’s hard work paid off. In 2007, Brown cut off all ties with her abuser, and in 2008 she moved from Lydia’s House into her own apartment with the money she had saved during her stay. Today, Brown is a research assistant at Washington University, is completing her associate’s degree in criminal justice and is performing her practicum at the same place she first escaped her abuser – Women’s Safe House. Brown’s goal is to become a drug abuse counselor or a parole officer.

Most important, thanks to years of continued counseling, Brown and 6-year-old Torrey are working together to build a life together, free from abuse. “Torrey has become so much more confident. Now when he’s upset, he doesn’t slam doors. He says, ‘Mom, this is making me angry.’ We’re able to work with one another better. Once you give a child a little bit, they can see you’re trying. We’re a team.”

While Brown is on the path to success, her road has been paved with struggles. By journaling and writing poetry about her experience, she has been able to put to paper her journey since that fateful night in 2005. “I think writing is a way of releasing what you’re going through," she explained. "Women often feel ridiculed when talking about abuse. I don’t think it’s fair. It’s not our fault. We do pick up that slack and blame ourselves. Through my writing, I can finally hear what I’m saying. I can finally hear my voice.”

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In recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, Reed offered a few ways you can help a woman you may know in a situation similar to Brown’s. “Readers can reach out for help through one of the domestic violence hotlines if they are worried about the dynamics happening in a home,” she explained via e-mail. “They can reach out to other children – offer to take the kids for a day if there are signs that stress is causing problems at home.  If there are concerns about battering and violence in the home, make sure that mom knows what resources are available to her (make sure you never reach out to her in the presence of her abuser), and don’t hesitate to call the police if someone is in immediate danger.”

By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting