Is Submission the New "S" Word?

The other day I was surfing through a nationally-recognized blog I read for its train wreck value rather than its inspirational insights and came across a post declaring the author’s “submission” to her husband.

That’s when I started waving my pointer finger at the monitor and bellowed,  “Oh no you did not!” (Seriously, I just can’t pull off sassy).

Although I’m not one to bash someone’s personal philosophy on his or her own blog, that didn’t stop me from immediately emailing my friend who also follows said blogger. My friend is about as “I am woman, hear me roar” as they come. Master’s degree, three smart kids, full-time job –  the feminist movement personified.

Me: Did you read this?

Her: Yes? And?

Me: She’s telling readers to submit to their husbands!

Her: It’s not some S&M thing. She’s just saying someone has to fly the plane.

Me: That’s B.S. Marriage is a partnership. Even Captain Sully had a co-pilot.

Her: True. But Captain Sully actually landed the plane.

As someone who considers herself a soft-core women’s libber – one who brings home the bacon and fries it up in the pan without her armpit-and-leg hair getting in the way – the word “submission” stirs up negative connotations of a woman sacrificing her beliefs and goals to further those of her husband. Betty Draper, if you will, who sits unfulfilled on the sidelines while philandering Don rules the roost until her frustration eventually erupts.

Right now, this working mom who also happens to be a Christian, often feels stuck between my feminist counterparts who tell me I don’t need to depend on no stinkin’ man and more traditional folks who tell me my marriage would be stronger if I stopped emasculating the husband with all my womanly question askin’.

This area got even muddier when reports surfaced that Michele Bachmann – an intelligent, accomplished presidential candidate – stated that according to the Bible, women are to be submissive to their husbands. While Bachmann explained her statement in 2011 by remarking, “What submission means to us, it means respect. I respect my husband. He’s a wonderful godly man and great father,” it’s still extremely hard for me to comprehend submission = respect.

The conservative view

For some clarification from the other side of the spectrum, I turned to Suzanne Venker, coauthor of The Flipside of Feminism and author of 7 Myths of Working Mothers to get a conservative’s insight on what submission means to her.

“I understand why the word submission sounds scary to many people – feminists have butchered the term,” she remarked via email. “Being submissive in a marriage (something I'm not naturally good at, by the way – not because I think the word's demeaning but because I'm a strong-willed person) means not always having to have the upper hand in a situation or be right all the time. It means allowing oneself to be vulnerable and letting someone else drive the boat once in a while. It means, in effect, to surrender one's power when having power isn't necessary.”

“The term submission is often equated with the word subservience because that's what feminists teach. But the two are entirely different. Subservience means being ‘beneath’ a person, or one person having less value than the other. In fact I would go so far as to say that if anyone's subservient in marriage today, it's the husband.”

Venker said she does consider marriage a partnership and is not arguing for the return to strict gender roles when it comes to running a household. However, a relationship built on a 50/50 concept, according to her, can’t work since it “dismisses the fact that men are better at some things and women are better at others” and is really just a logistical nightmare when two people who can’t agree each try to direct the traffic.

“The greatest problem with rejecting the idea of being submissive, or surrendering, is that you set your relationship up as a competitive one rather than a complementary one. Women (and men!) have been sold a bill of goods with the absurd notion that women should be independent at all costs, lest they ‘lose’ themselves in marriage. That is the premise of the feminist message.”

For me, marriage will, in my eyes, always be a 50/50 relationship – sometimes the husband takes the lead; sometimes I do. I respect Mr. P, but I will darn well challenge him if his decisions aren’t in align with the goals of our family. And believe me, that philosophy swings both ways.

So, what is your stance on marriage “submission?” And please be kind to one another here. If there's anything feminism should have taught us is that it’s important to value our fellow sisters’ philosophies.

By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting