The Tricky Transition to the Teen Years

Every little girl loves Disney princess movies – they want to be rescued by a handsome prince and live a perfect princess life in a castle surrounded by singing rodents. It’s enough to make a mom cringe every time she turns on the DVR.

But the 1940’s and 50’s patriarchal plots of Walt Disney’s fairy tales are a far cry from the girl power stories collected by the Brothers Grimm in the early 1800’s. In fact, their “heroine journeys” of Rapunzel, Cinderella and Snow White were used to guide teenage girls through the tricky transition from childhood to womanhood, and the lessons of these classic stories resonate in today’s modern world.

In fact, in his new book, Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women: Guiding the Transformation of Adolescent Girls¸ St. Louis developmental and behavioral pediatrician Dr. Tim Jordan noted Cinderella toiled alone for seven years, becoming independent and self-reliant while Rapunzel traveled in the desert taking care of her children by herself.

With the new school year just a few days away, the lessons Dr. Jordan outlines in Sleeping Beauties, Awakening Women can help girls handle the mean girl drama and stress waiting for them in the hallways, find their inner strength, and guide them in finding the support needed to thrive during the most confusing times of their lives.

Finding your sacred place

When it comes to teen girls, the stigma is they’re all depressed, anxious and suffering from low self-esteem – conditions that will follow them long into womanhood.

After counseling girls for more than 30 years through his therapy practice, in-school programs and retreats, Dr. Jordan came to the conclusion that parents and experts are so hyper-focused on girls’ perceived struggles that we push the positive framework for a girl’s development to the side. And guess what, mom and dad, that moody, argumentative 15-year-old who is driving you crazy is probably perfectly fine!

Explained Dr. Jordan, “I realized in working with girls at retreats and camps, that if we get them in a safe environment, they can relax and become who they really are. If I walked into a middle school three weeks later and looked at them in the context of what is a toxic environment, they don’t appear very confident. But get them in the right context, they’re just fine. These girls don’t have some self-esteem scar or disease they can’t overcome – if they’re in a safe place where you can work with them, their best selves come out.”

The key is to help our daughters find the best place to let them shine. For some, this might be a youth group, a drama club or at camp. The problem is, girls rarely have the time to look inside of themselves and discover where their true passions lie.

According to Dr. Jordan, both Sleeping Beauty and Snow White slept for years, gathering the strength and self-reflection needed to face the demands for the adult world. Today’s girls, just like their moms, can barely find five minutes to spend alone.

While religions throughout history valued the importance of meditation and contemplation, society tends to frown on silent solitude. Our girls are constantly plugged in and pushed to get the best grades and be on the best teams, which means there’s a greater need for quiet time to balance it all out.

“When I ask a girl how she’s feeling, ‘I don’t know’ is such a common response since they don’t know what they’re feeling. It’s just sad to me,” Dr. Jordan said. “Girls don’t know how to slow down to know what they’re feeling, they just amp up. They get busy to distract themselves, which in turn, makes them feel overwhelmed and do things that are unhealthy, like cut, drink or get high. Slowing down is important to step back from your life and reflect – it’s where the greatest creativity and greatest intuition come forth.”

Through Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women, Dr. Jordan reinforces to parents the importance of giving girls the permission to slow down and take a break, no matter how uncomfortable it is for them. Through quiet journaling, writing, artwork, or other activities, girls can discover their path for today and for the future, building the confidence needed to empower them through anything.

Understanding the development touchpoints

Earlier in his career, Dr. Jordan worked under the mentorship of pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton who is renowned for identifying the touchpoints in a child’s development. In Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women, Dr. Jordan examines development touchpoints in relation to an adolescent girl’s behavior and provides guidance on how we as parents can prepare girls for these transitional times.

There’s a reason the plot turning points for Snow White, Cinderella and Rapunzel all happen around the same age for the characters. Like every other teen in the world, they are going through a major transformation in their teen years. Dr. Jordan sees out-of-sorts behavior in adolescent girls as normal and a sign there’s important development transitions going on.

These transitions happen throughout a child’s life, according to Dr. Jordan usually around ages two to three, five to six, 11 to 12, and in high school.

He remarked, “We need to understand what’s coming up and anticipate what’s going to happen. If parents know ahead of time that at age five, kids become ambivalent about growing up and regress, we understand the signs and don’t freak out and get upset. We realize, I don’t need to give energy fighting the regression and instead, nudge kids forward and stay unplugged. We can stay disengaged from the negative emotions so we don’t take it personally, and instead be a better guide for them.”

Understanding touchpoints is essential to build communication skills with our children, help them recognize what they’re going through physically and emotionally, teach them how to handle drama, and give them the tools needed so they don’t give their power away to others.

All of these are essential skills girls can take long into adulthood. Dr. Jordan noted major touchpoints can happen well past high school graduation, such as the mid-life crisis and empty nest syndrome. If we can teach our daughters to find their sacred spaces and comprehend the changes that come along with major life transitions, we can help them discover the inner strength needed to achieve the incredible.

Sleeping Beauties, Awakened Women is now available in print and in e-book format for Kindle and Nook. While written for parents, the book is also ideal for girls going through major life transitions. For more information on Dr. Jordan’s practice, his Strong Girls, Strong World school programs, or his Camp Weloki retreat for girls, visit www.drtimjordan.com.