Wild Lights

There’s something about seeing the father of your children perched precariously atop an unstable ladder, steel blade rake in his outstretched arm as he swats at the air, still several feet away from a dangling strand of Christmas lights that you guilted him into hanging onto a 30-foot pine tree, that makes you truly appreciate the raw power you harness within your female body parts.

It’s almost scary.  

I designated myself as The Helper, standing at the bottom of the ladder which, because of our little back yard mole problem, only had three of the four legs actually touching the ground at one time.  Nick was standing on the top platform, next to the big red warning sticker that said “death may occur if you stand on top platform.”  

The ladder wobbled violently every time he breathed or mumbled a string of curse words and I was helping him by pointing out when he missed a spot. I mean, the tree is right by the street and we’re not going to win any envy points with the neighbors if those lights start three feet from the top.  

The situation quickly went from festive to sketchy to alimony and Nick suggested I make myself useful and shake him off the ladder into the street, preferably right as a UPS truck drove by.  

After a long day of hanging lights Nick said he just wanted to take the kids to a restaurant and relax, so as we loaded the family into the mini van I knew I was going to have to drive fast when he realized we were not going to a restaurant and were really going to the zoo. 

I simply wanted to keep the holiday light spirit alive and knew that once we got there he would agree.  He just didn’t know it as he tried to grab the steering wheel and veer into oncoming traffic when I exited onto Hampton.  

The zoo Wild Lights are awesome awesome awesome, and I took several opportunities as we were walking around to mention to Nick that he should take some mental notes about how Christmas lights are meant to be hung.  

The penguins were out in full effect, which the girls loved but frankly I’ve never been a fan.  I just can’t get past the overwhelming odor that smells like somebody needs a big shot of penicillin.  

So I told the girls that the penguins were broken and we wandered over and did the next best thing, rode the Happy Feet 4-D ride.  Which I thought was really cool but may have been a little too intense for a 2- and 3-year-old when what looked like a seal with rabies chased the little penguin. Spoiler alert:  the penguin made it out and all ended well.  

Ended well with the penguin, that is, not with Nick. I woke up last night to see him inching toward me with a strand of Christmas lights clenched in his hands.   

The U.S. Bank Wild Lights display is blazing up the Zoo Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights until December 23 and nightly December 26 - 30.  Admission is $4 for zoo members and $5 for the general public, and parking is plentiful and free!

By Hannah Mayer, events and family life blogger for SmartParenting

Hannah Mayer recently traded her Blackberry Smartphone for a Strawberry Shortcake when she retired from her 12-year career in advertising to become a full-time Mom to 3-year-old daughter Elliot, 2-year-old daughter Lillian, and 1-year-old daughter Hadley ("Hey, my husband is hot, okay?"). In her free time she enjoys eavesdropping on her neighbors' cordless phone conversations through the baby monitor, volunteering as an English tutor for the St. Louis Public School district and bucking the stigma that accompanies three car seats by challenging fellow drivers to freestyle battle raps from her mini van.

Hannah has written and published several fictional short stories but her entree into baring her soul to the world can be found at her blog sKIDmarks and her novel in progress Cute Little Bundle of Crazy. You can follow her on Twitter @The_sKIDmark or become a fan at facebook.com/sKIDmarking.