You Did Not Just Say That

Kids say the cutest things. Nothing can melt a parent’s heart more than hearing “I love you, Daddy” or “You’re the best mommy” from a 5-year-old.

Once they get in public, however, some of the things that come out of their mouths aren’t so cute. In fact, they’re downright embarrassing, or worse, hurtful to an intended target. I mean, how can you prevent your kid from announcing to the world you wore your holey underwear today because you haven’t done the wash in a week?

The trick is knowing how to respond when something inappropriate flies out of their mouths. Is it better to laugh it off or reprimand them on the spot? I asked two experts for their advice on some of the most frequently said slip-ups.

“I want it, I want it, I want it!" (accompanied by kicking and stomping) – According to Jane Kostelc, an early childhood specialist with the Parents as Teachers National Center, it’s essential to set behavior expectations for your child before heading to the store and to choose a time to shop when your child is at his best. If the screaming does start, remain calm and offer a hug or comfort object.

When that doesn’t work? “If you can’t help your child calm down, remove him from the situation as quickly and quietly as possible,” suggested Kostelc via e-mail. “Whisk him out of the store and into the car. Do not discuss it, do not threaten, do not give choices. Time for that is past. Just act calmly and with authority. If your child is able to calm down in the car, you may be able to go back in the store. If not, you need to go home. Yes, this is a consequence for the parent, but it’s worth it. Only a few times of being removed from the store and the child will be able to handle the situation.”

Kostelc also noted that parents can find free Missouri Children’s Trust Fund Positive Parenting handouts, which provide guidance on discipline and parenting issues, on the Parents as Teachers Web site.

“Why is that lady so big?” – Nothing can embarrass a parent more than when her child says something hurtful to another person, and knowing the right way to handle the situation can be difficult. Do I shush her? Ignore what I heard? In most instances, it’s actually best to correct your child immediately, said child and family therapist Jennie Wilson of Step By Step Counseling in St. Charles.

“Children will be brutally honest when you ask them a question about your hair, or if they see an overweight person and ask when they are having their baby,” she said through e-mail. “If it's an honest yet hurtful comment, most people are understanding enough to forgive and forget the slip-up if the parent steps up, corrects the child and gives an apology.”

“Holy s*&$!”– We’ve all been there. Junior says his first curse word, and while we’re horrified, we can’t help but let out a little snicker. Obviously, as any parent knows, a reaction like that will only cause a little one to repeat the phrase again and again. That’s why it’s important to nip cursing in the bud immediately.

Said Kostelc, “Get down on the child’s level and quietly let her know that is not a word that should be used. Tell her what she can use instead. You might need to pull her aside or quietly take her to another room to talk. Do not embarrass her in front of others. This might make the prospect of using inappropriate words all the more exciting. If the child continues to use the inappropriate word the issue is no longer using bad words, but disobedience. See if she needs some quiet time out of the group with you so she can get back in control of her behavior. If she can’t, it’s time to go home.”

“Grandma, Daddy says you stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.” – You meant to keep that little snide remark between you and your spouse. Unfortunately, Sally heard your secret and decided to pass it along to your mother-in-law. Now it’s up to you to fix the situation and soothe any hurt feelings.

Explained Wilson, “A sense of humor is always nice when a child comes forth with some information that maybe wasn't ideal to share with others outside the family. Being careful what you say or do in front of the children can help with headaches down the road. Children do repeat what we say, because if it's OK for mommy to say why isn't it OK for them to say? If the children aren't allowed to curse or talk about Aunt Sherry, then neither should you. Again, they learn from your example.”

Both Kostelc and Wilson agree that parents have the biggest influence on what words spill from a child’s mouth. It’s up to us to set a good example and use an embarrassing slip-up as a learning opportunity to show how our kids how to be tactful in any situation.

Since cursing is my weakness, I’ve instituted a swear jar. If our 3-year-old ever hears us say a bad word, we give her a nickel or a dime. It’s helped me control my cursing immensely. Now instead of a BMW, she’ll only have the funds for a used Geo Metro. And hopefully it’s eliminating the threat that she’ll spew swear words at preschool.

By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting