Dirty Laundry: Parenting News and Gossip (Mostly Wrinkled)

When you’re busy helping your kids with their homework, pretending to go to Pilates, and skipping PTA because you have one more season of The League left to watch, catching up on news sites and watching Brian Williams gets pushed to the sidelines. (But why in the world would you ever neglect dreamy Brian Williams?)

So welcome to our latest feature, Dirty Laundry, in which we've sorted through the enormous (and colorful) piles of parenting news and gossip so you don't have to. And we're throwing it in the spin cycle along with a little bit of snark and a whole lot of judgment.
 

The party’s over for 300 teens

On Labor Day weekend, the vacation home of former NFL player Brian Holloway was broken into by 300 partying teenagers who tweeted their criminal acts. After Holloway grabbed the photos from Twitter and posted them to his site, www.helpmesave300.com, parents threatened him this past week for calling out their precious sugarbears. While Holloway’s own background is a little sketchy, as a mom – and a human – the parents’ reaction makes me livid. If I ransacked someone’s house, my dad would have grounded me from every party for life, including my own wedding.

Cancelling a One Direction concert – punishment or reward?

On the opposite end of a spectrum, one mom posted her daughter’s One Direction tickets on eBay after the teen lied about a sleepover so she could spend the night at an older boy’s house. Mom should take the humiliation one step further. Drag that teen to a Barry Manilow concert, force her into a Fanilow t-shirt, and make her sing all the words to “Mandy” at the top of her lungs. Then post those photos to Instagram.

A little harsh, maybe. but then again. No.

Reason #341 Louis C.K. is awesome

On Conan, Louis C.K. shared why he thinks smartphones are so toxic for kids – and the general public. His thoughts were uncomfortable, profound and pretty much right on. “You need to build an ability to just be yourself and not be doing something. That’s what the phones are taking away, is the ability to just sit there.” I agree – sometimes we just need to be by ourselves in our own minds. Though we’ll make room if Timberlake walks into our brains with a tub of gelato and a People magazine.

Put that mustard down, mom!

The Christian Science Monitor had to clarify its anti-cannibalism stand this week after an article about how the smell of a baby triggers a reaction in a woman’s brain set off a ridiculous firestorm among parents. Eoin O’Carroll intro-ed his article with, “If you're like most normal people, you've briefly considered eating a baby or two,” which obviously means the baby buffet is open. On Tuesday, he hilariously emphasized that neither he nor the Monitor endorse cannibalism. I, for one, was able to resist eating my newborn offspring as I rarely craved anything smothered in poop and regurgitated breastmilk.

Good parenting comes in small packaging

Single ladies – the next time you’re hitting up Chili’s happy hour to land a husband, buy the least endowed fellow an appletini. Emory University found that men with smaller testicles make better fathers, trading the mating instinct for the parenting instinct. From now on, I’ll be watching TLC’s The Man With the 132-Pound Scrotum” through a brand new set of eyes.

Warm fuzzy of the week – parents put a positive spin on a cancelled wedding

When their daughter’s wedding was cancelled 40 days before the big event, two incredible parents decided to go ahead with the reception, inviting 200 homeless individuals to a special dinner. Men, women and children from Hosea Feed the Hungry, an organization where their daughter had volunteered, were able to leave their worries behind for a night of great food, entertainment and fellowship.