Why I No Longer Wear Pants

When I had children, I knew I would be happily giving up a few things as I welcomed these precious little girls into my world. Things like enjoying a quiet dinner. Or traipsing off on a last-second weekend trip. Or drinking gin at 2 in the afternoon.

One thing I didn’t expect to give up was pants.

While navigating through all the Fall Fashion Week recaps over the past couple of weeks, I noticed the trend toward patterned pants, such as these cropped green pants from the J.Crew collection. I love them. They’re fun and flirty, and I adore the color. However, I’ll never wear them, because I’m sure my thighs would cock their imaginary eyebrows and give me a collective “B***h, please” if I tried to shimmy into them.

Whether it’s because I had kids or am creeping past my mid-thirties or enjoyed one too many Mallomars, my body is not the same as it was five years ago. In fact, it changes day to day. Overnight, that fat pocket that was on my hip has somehow migrated to my tailbone.  By the time I go to bed, it’ll probably be resting on my kneecap.

I’ve done the Stacy-and-Clinton thing and gotten all my pants altered, but my tailor must need some continuing education classes since she has yet to alter pants that transform my mom butt into J. Lo booty.

Luckily, I work in a pretty casual environment, so I mostly wear jeans, which thankfully stretch and conform to an ever-changing body. However, when I do have to wear pants, it’s an arduous, multistep process. There are thongs to consider and belts to pick out. There are camel toes and muffin tops and pantylines and sagging seats to worry about. It’s exhausting, and it makes me realize Michelle Duggar doesn’t just wear skirts for religious reasons, but because girlfriend is smarter than the rest of us.

The other day, I managed to throw on a pair of pants and felt relatively comfortable until someone from another  office pointed out my granny panties were saying hello to everyone from above the top of my waistband.

Yes, I’m a mess. And apparently also a bit of a trollop.

So, the other week, I went on a pants hunt with the two kids in tow. Know what else moms give up after giving birth? Shopping. Gone are those leisurely Saturdays where I’d spend hours in a dressing room. Today, a successful trip is getting in and out of a store in five minutes without someone crying (mainly, me) and with a minimal knocking over of the store mannequins.

I was psyched to try on some pants until, of course, we entered the store:

“MJ! Take that off your head. It’s a bra – not earmuffs!”

“Please don’t touch that stack of sweaters. Don’t touch that stack of sweaters. DO NOT TOUCH that stack of sweaters. Ok, pick up that stack of sweaters.”

“If you girls stop swinging on that clothes rack, I will buy you both unicorns.”

 “KT, don’t look under that dressing room door. KT, stop crawling under that dressing room door! KT, get out of that woman’s dressing room!”

Yes, MJ, my underwear does have holes in it.”

“Miss, can you please unlock the dressing room door? Yes, she locked herself in again.”

“Ma’am, just grab me any pair of pants you can find and throw them in a bag. Yes, any pants.”

Which is why I have 10 pairs of pants in my closet I will never wear, and why my husband inquires, “Why do you have a pair of velvet capri pants in here? And why are they mustard? And why are they a size 2? And why are they petite?”

So, unless I can start wearing yoga pants to work every day, my usual go-to ensemble lately has been a wrap dress. One that hides the baby pooch and has enough swing that it gives my hips a little breathing room. It’s easy and comfortable, and to the outside world, it looks like I actually put effort into what I was going to wear that day, which gives me that boost of confidence I need in the morning.

But one day I will have those J. Crew pants. And J. Lo’s booty. I just need to find a way to pay for both of them.

By Nicole Plegge, Lifestyle Blogger for SmartParenting

Share This Story

Metro East mom Nicole Plegge has written for STL Parent for more than 12 years. Besides working as a freelance writer & public relations specialist, and raising two daughters and a husband, Nicole's greatest achievements are finding her misplaced car keys each day and managing to leave the house in a stain-free shirt. Her biggest regret is never being accepted to the Eastland School for Girls. Follow Nicole on Twitter @STLWriterinIL 

Our Daily Things to Do email is the easiest way to plan your day.
Follow Us
 
Want daily ideas of things to do? How about special offers & giveaways? Sign up and we’ll handle the rest.
Things to Do

Water Waddlers Indoor Drop-In Swim

Stop in and have some fun in the indoor pool at the Lodge of Des Peres with your little one at this drop-in swim time for kids up to age 6. No pre-registration is needed; Water Waddlers is open to residents and non-residents of Des Peres.

View this event »
Spring Training Sea Lion Shows at the Saint Louis Zoo
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Friday, March 29, 2024
Saturday, March 30, 2024

See the amazing sea lions at the Saint Louis Zoo perform for the crowd and cheer them on from the bleachers as the popular Sea Lion Spring Training Shows return. You'll see these beautiful animals perform flipper walks, ball balancing, Olympic-style dives on a high-diving platform, lots of splashing and even more surprises! 

View this event »
Daytime Playtime at Olympia Gymnastics

Daytime Playtime is an open gym for children ages 2-5 where the possibilities for fun and learning (through fun) are endless! Children will participate in activities that build coordination, strength, balance and self-confidence. They'll develop stronger motor skills, social skills, and take part in theme-based creative activities.

 

View this event »
Books for Babies

This special story is geared to little ones ages 6 months to 2 years with a parent or caregiver. In addition to stories, there will be lap bounces, songs, rhymes and more!

 

View this event »
You Might Also Like...

From Our Sponsors
Popular Stories

COCA Ignites Creativity and Sparks Fun for Kids of All Ages, All Summer Long

Stroll along the Walk of Fame in the Delmar Loop, and you’ll spot the playwrights, actors, and artists who got their start in St. Louis, from Tennessee Williams and Katherine Dunham, to Tina Turner and John Goodman. Just a few steps away and around the corner, a new generation of Gateway City superstars will discover their love for the visual and performing arts this summer.

Continue reading »
Farmer's Market Make Great Family Outings! Here is Your 2024 Guide to Farmers Market Across the St. Louis Area

A trip to the farmer’s market is a fun outing for the entire family – and it can be educational too. Make plans to visit one (or several) of these top St. Louis farmers’ markets this spring and summer, so that you and your kids can learn more about where your food comes from and indulge in some of the freshest, seasonal produce the St. Louis region has to offer. Plus, many of these markets offer activities just for kids, feature food trucks, welcome dogs, and more.    

Continue reading »
Life Lessons Learned at Overnight Camp

With the perfect blend of adventure and responsibility, camp life teaches kids valuable lessons they can use for the rest of their lives. If you send your child to overnight camp, here are some life lessons they are likely to learn.

Continue reading »
Spring Break Camps Offer a Variety of Activities for Kids and Teens in St. Louis

Excitement is building for summer and the wide variety of summer camp experiences available for kids in the St. Louis metro area. But first! Spring break is around the corner, and there are plenty of Spring Break camps now enrolling. 

Continue reading »
10 Reasons Your Teen Might Love to be a Camp Counselor

Day or sleepaway summer camp is the perfect place for teens to transition to the world of the employed. The paycheck is nice, but being a summer camp counselor has other rewards, too.

Continue reading »
Follow Us