Why Kids Make Lousy Coworkers

Recently, I took a giant leap to try freelancing on a full-time basis to see if I have what it takes to be in business for myself. And because things like job security and health insurance are so overrated. Since my husband’s income and my lack of plastic surgery do not allow me trophy wife status, I pulled my kids out of daycare to save money until I get my freelance business off the ground. Or until I have to slap on the pasties to keep fruit snacks in the cabinet.

But after two weeks juggling work and kids, I realize these children are the most difficult co-workers I’ve ever worked with. And I worked with drunken advertising execs for 10 years.

1. Kids are the worst gossipers ever. One of the things I miss about working with grownups is the Monday morning gossip mill. I know people think gossip is a negative in the business world, but Newcastle University Business School recently released a study that shows gossip can boost work performance as it strengthens relationships between coworkers. After literally bouncing in my seat for some juicy adult interaction, I actually asked my six-year-old for the latest gossip.

“I think Justin Bieber’s dating Miley Cyrus.”

“That’s it? That’s the best you got?”

“Uhhh… Olivia got a new dog…”

A few years ago, two junior account executives got in a hair-ripping, face-clawing fight in the lobby of the ad agency I worked at. It was pretty much the best day ever in terms of office gossip. When my new co-workers get into a physical altercation, it’s not nearly as delicious when you are the one who has to put them in time-out.

2. They can’t sit through business meetings. Since I couldn’t find a sitter for a recent volunteer meeting, I brought the kids along and sat them at a table at the other side of the room with Happy Meals, a Kindle and iPhone, and the threat that if I heard a peep out of them during the meeting, I would “ground them until they were 110.”

They were angels for 90 percent of the meeting until my 6-year-old, who was listening to iHeartRadio, forgot where she was and began belting out Icona Pop’s “I Love It” at the top of her lungs. For a moment I was horrified, but I was also just a little bit jealous.

Do you know how many times I sang the American Idiot soundtrack in my head to survive boring work meetings and how I fantasized about jumping up on the board room table to belt out “21 Guns” to shake up hours of budget planning?

3. They have no respect for your “office.” If you’re reading this at work, I beg of you – step away from the computer and hightail it to the restroom to savor three minutes of unadulterated privacy. Because once you work at home, the lav is no longer your sanctuary.

In my 16 years of working in the professional world, not once did I ever have a colleague bang on the bathroom door screeching “I need you to wipe my butt!” “I need a drink of water!” While I miss my coworkers and clients, I can honestly say, sixth floor women’s bathroom – I think I miss you most of all.

4. They make lousy interns. Businesses are growing wary of hiring interns since a New York federal judge ruled that Fox Searchlight Pictures was in violation of the Fair Labor Standards Act by having nonpaid interns carry out routine duties normally performed by paid employees. But if you’re paying interns in Teddy Grahams, it’s totally permissible, right?

Unfortunately, my children are shirking their intern responsibilities. The other morning, I asked MJ to grab me my coffee. Five minutes later, when my coffee still wasn’t on my desk, I found her curled up in the corner playing solitaire on the iPhone.

“MJ, where’s my coffee?’ “Oh, yeah, I forgot.” “You forgot in the 10 steps it takes you to get from the dining room to the kitchen?” I also asked my 4-year-old, KT, to edit an article for me. Instead of using my red pen for proofreading, she doodled pictures of Spiderman and what looked like curse words on my work. Her attention to detail is seriously lacking.

5. They have no respect for conference calls. It can be difficult to have a private conversation with a client when you’re living in a sea of cubicles, but doing it at home with two little girls is a test of futility. The following has happened in the past two weeks while I have been on the phone with a client or an interviewee…

Call One: KT walks in with two rubber balls stuffed down her shirt. “Mom! Mom! Look I have two giant boobies! And my boobies glow in the dark!”

Call Two: “Mom! Mom! I wanna taaaaalk to them! Gimme the phone! I wanna talk!!” - which made me thisclose to asking my interviewee if she could talk to my preschooler about Curious George for two minutes so I could get her off my back.

Call Three: Client: “What’s all the screaming? Is someone hurt?” Me: “Oh no – the 4-year-old just shoved her sister down the stairs. So, what would you say your biggest accomplishment has been since joining the firm?”

Since working at home, the bathroom has become my personal meeting room for conference calls. The acoustics are phenomenal, but the privacy is lacking (see #3).

As difficult co-workers as these children are, it is has also been great working at home with them. If I break out in tears because I’m struggling with a project, they don’t make a mad dash to their cubicle to avoid an awkward situation — they run in with hugs and kisses. If I steal a 15-minute cat nap because I woke up at 4 a.m. to write an article, there’s no judgment. In fact, they crawl up on the couch to snuggle with me.

I don’t know where the next few weeks will take me — if I will have the opportunity to work from home in the future or if I will run back screaming to a nine to five job to get a break from my children. But at the moment, I’m looking forward to happy hours with my new co-workers – even if it’s Kool-Aid instead of Kahlua.